My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.
-Henny Youngman
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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-Rodney Dangerfield
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A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-Milton Berle
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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor."
I asked her, "Where's the car?"
She replied," In the lake."
-Henny Youngman
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The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-Henny Youngman
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After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
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When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
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I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
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My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.
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A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.
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Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
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Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a Man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
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Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.
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A man placed an advertisement in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same: "You can have mine."
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A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a Millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
"A billionaire." she replied.
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Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
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It's not true that married men live longer than single men.
It only seems longer.
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Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
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A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
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A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, but his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.
The man thinks for a moment and says," Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."
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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
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First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive.
-- Archie
"A person should not be too honest. Straightt trees are cut first and Honest people are screwed first"
Next...
HOW CAN YOU LIVE WITHOUT KNOWING THESE THINGS?
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
The youngest pope was 11 years old.
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them
looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser
printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party?
A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet.
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer
to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight".
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month
after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all
the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was
lunar based, this period was called the honey month we know today as the
honeymoon.
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England,
when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them mind their own
pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your
P's and Q's"
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim
or handle of their ceramic cups.
When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet
your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice
In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled :
Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden ...
and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
AND FINALLY...................................................
*At least 75% of people who read this will TRY to lick their elbows !!!*
Next...
1. Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & afool at the other. 2. Love affairs: Something like cricket where one-day internationals aremore popular than a five day test. 3. Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree anda woman gains her master 4. Divorce: Future tense of marriage 5. Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of thelecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the mindsofeither". 6. Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present. 7. Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybodybelieves he got the biggest piece. 8. Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated byfeminine water-power... 9. Dictionary: A place where divorce comes before marriage. 10. Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens &everybody disagrees later on. 11. Ecstasy: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling youhave never felt before. 12. Classic: books which people praise, but do not read. 13. Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight. 14. Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life. 15. Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth. 16. Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than youactually do. 17. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit todecide that nothing can be done together. 18. Experience: The name men give to their mistakes. 19. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions. 20. Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken ofwhen dead. 21. Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that youactually look forward to the trip. 22. Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally fallsinto a river. 23. Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway"See I am not injured yet." 24. Pessimist: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, insteadof the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY. 25. Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich. 26. Father: A banker provided by nature. 27. Criminal: A guy no different from the rest... except that he gotcaught. 28. Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you areearly. 29. Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and yourConfidence after? 30. Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with hisbills. 31. Computer Engineer: One who gets paid for reading such mails...
Next...
USE YOUR GREY CELLS
Think! Think! Think! - Use your Grey Cells and Enjoy !!!
1. There is a man that lives on the top floor of a very tall building. Everyday he gets the elevator down to the ground floor to leave the building to go to work. Upon returning from work though, he can only travel half way up in the lift and has to walk the rest of the way unless it's raining! WHY?
This is probably the best known and most celebrated of all lateral thinking puzzles. It is a true classic. Although there are many possible solutions which fit the initial conditions, only the canonical answer is truly satisfying.
2. A man and his son are in a car accident. The father dies on the scene, but the child is rushed to the hospital. When he arrives the surgeon says "I can't operate on this boy, he is my son!" How can this be?
3. A man is wearing black. Black shoes, socks, trousers, jumper, gloves and balaclava. He is walking down a black street with all the street lamps off. A black car is coming towards him with its light off too but somehow manages to stop in time. How did the driver see the man?
4. The Elder Twin One day Kerry celebrated her birthday. Two days later her older twin brother, Terry, celebrated his birthday. Why?
5. Manhole Covers: Why is it better to have round manhole covers than square ones? This illogical rather than lateral, but it is a good puzzle which can be solved by lateral thinking techniques. It is supposedly used by a very well-known software company as an interview question for prospective employees.
6. The Deadly Party: A man went to a party and drank some of the punch. He then left early. Everyone else at the party who drank the punch subsequently died of poisoning. Why did the man not die?
7. Trouble with Sons: A woman had two sons who were born on the same hour of the same day of the same year. But they were not twins. How could this be so?
8. The Man in the Bar: A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun and points it at the man. The man says 'Thank you' and walks out. This puzzle has claims to be the best of the genre. It is simple in its statement, absolutely baffling and yet with a completely satisfying solution. Most people struggle very hard to solve this one yet they like the answer when they hear it or have the satisfaction of figuring it out
SOLUTIONS:
1) The man is very very short and so can only reach half way up the lift buttons! However, if it is raining then he will have his umbrella with him and so can press the higher buttons with it.
2) The surgeon is the boy's mother.
3) It was day time.
4) At the time she went into labour, the mother of the twins was travelling by boat. The older twin, Terry, was born first early on March 1st. The boat then crossed a time zone and Kerry, the younger twin, was born on February the 28th. Therefore, the younger twin celebrates her birthday two days before her older brother.
5) A square manhole cover can be turned and dropped down the diagonal of the manhole. A round manhole cannot be dropped down the manhole. So for safety and practicality, all manhole covers should be round.
6) The poison in the punch came from the ice cubes. When the man drank the punch, the ice was fully frozen. Gradually it melted, poisoning the punch.
7) They were two of a set of triplets (or quadruplets etc.) This puzzle stumps many people. They try outlandish solutions involving test-tube babies or surrogate mothers. Why does the brain go for complex solutions when there is a much simpler one available?
8) The man had hiccups. The barman recognized this from his speech and drew the gun in order to give him a shock. It worked and cured the hiccups-so the man no longer needed the water. This is a simple puzzle to state but a difficult one to solve. It is a perfect example of a seemingly irrational and incongruous situation having a simple and complete explanation.
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